"Istikhara" means to seek goodness from Allah (Exalted is He), meaning when one intends to do an important task they do istikhara before the task. The one who does the istikhara is as if they request Allah Almighty that, O the Knower of Unseen (Exalted is He) guide me if this task is better for me or not?

According to Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 21, Number 263:Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah :The Prophet (Sallal Laho Alaihi Wasallam) used to teach us the way of doing Istikhara, in all matters as he taught us the Suras of the Quran. He said, "If anyone of you thinks of doing any job he should offer a two Rakat prayer other than the compulsory ones and say (after the prayer):

WAY TO PERFORM ISTIKHARA

• First pray Two Cycles (raka') of ritual Prayer (nafil) such that in the first raka' after Surah Fatiha (Allhamd…) recite Surah al-Kafirun (Chapter 109) and in the second raka' after Fatiha (Allhamd…) recite Surah al-Ikhlas (Chapter 112).
• After finishing prayer recite this (supplication/dua'):
  

"O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge this action ------------------------------------------------ (which I intend to do) is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka'] in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine] that for me and then make me satisfied with it."

How many times?

It depends. Sometimes it takes only once to get the answer and sometimes it takes longer. It is better to do istakhara seven (7) times. If you have received an answer as explained in the section below, stop doing istikhara. You do not have to continue to do isitkhara for 7 days. It is better that right after reciting the supplication, given above, sleep with ablution (people who cannot keep the ablution for longer times due to health problems do not have to worry about ablution before falling asleep) facing the direction of the Qibla (facing the Qibla is not required but it is a Sunnat of our beloved Prophet Peace Be Upon Him). It is better to recite salutations (durood/ salawat) on the Prophet Allah's Grace and Peace be upon him before and after the above Dua (supplication).

Answer:

If in the dream one sees whiteness (means any thing white in color, for example: milk, white paper, white sky, white clothes, white light etc.) or greenness (means any thing green in color, for example: grass, plants, trees, green clothes, green light etc.) then understand that this task is better and if one sees redness (means any thing red in color, for example: blood, red clothing, red fruit, red light etc.) or blackness (means any thing black in color, for example: black water, black light, black clothings, black sky, black wall etc. ) then understand it is bad and avoid it.

If you do not remember any dream or do not see any colors then follow your heart. Whatever intention grows stronger in your heart regarding your targated work follow it after seven days of Istakhara.

Sweet bitterness

I was told to pay my cleaner 50 geneer which would be a hefty price for top to toe of my whole apartment.

The samsar (estate agent type guy) introduced her and let us arrange a day and time amongst ourselves for the job.

I sat there on the bed in the dreary box of an apartment trying not to let my skin touch the dirty mattress as beat down all the walls with a dirty pillow cover removing the cobwebs and insects after which she threw water all over the floor.

This lasted allot longer than she should have as she spent most of her time babbling on the phone, she finally dragged alll the dirty watter through to the bathroom drain. It turns out I needed a Sebek (plumber), that was the word she kep repeating over and over again as she shoved her chubby arm down the hole in the floor to drag up what ever could be stuck down there.

She then started to put on her Abaya (long over dress) as I stared at the dirt incrusted door frame and window and the dingy stained kitchen. "I have work, call me after you get a Sebek!"

So I looked in my purse for a part of the money but for some reason gave her 40LE and told her she would get the rest when she returned, despite the all the advice of not letting her place a foot out the door untill she had finnished!

After a week the Sebek came and went and again we arranged a convenient time for her to show.

So I waited at the flat untill i recieved a phonecall that she would come if I paid for her taxi!, I should have seen the rest from there.

She arrived finally had paid for the 4LE taxi herself and climbed the stairs to the top floor of mz apartment, onlz she wasnt alone there was another exasperated boisterous Egyptian with her with a plump round kind face.

Again me and a freind's little sister (age 14, Egyptian) sat there and watched them talk on the fone and do a little cleaning inbetween each call.

There was no water... I don't have a motor so I only recieve water in the night and at noon, it was now the afternoon.

Lucky for me my next door neighbour does so I would disapeer every now and then to re-fill the bucket.

They kept trying to get dressed despite not having cleaned anything from what I could see and making exuses like Im too short and all the rest of it.

So after having to keep re-telling them to clean behind the pipes in the bathroom and the door frames and everything else they finally said they were finnished and made long winded exuses to everything else.

So I handed my cleaner 20LE, baring in mind that her fee had now gone up to 60LE.

Her face was priceless I explained everything to her but she just kept demanding money telling me that I should pay her 50LE for her last visit and 50LE for this visit. This was never going to happen! let alone the fact that I couldn't afford it. Then she orderd that I must pay her friend, to which I reminded her that I called her not her friend and that she works for me but her friend is working for her. She refused to move and sat herself on my bed with a face like a smacked monkey's butt (as my mum would say). So I continued to spray the cockroach and ant killer into every nook and cranny and stood by the very small open window as Hamsa (my friends little sister) stood at the door ( I later found out that this was because the cleaner had tried to close it and she suspected the worst from this action) as she choked and spluttered from the toxic fumes I had unleashed into my room of an apartment she reluctantly in the end left.

I sat reflecting over every detail of the tiring day and congratulated myself on keeping my cool through it all and keeping a low tone in her vulgar screams and shouts, and never once insulted her cheek.

Then I realisesd that the age old saying of 'God works in mysterious ways' may have been perfectly demonstrated in the days events. You see, I remembered feeling bad as they choked and spluttered as there lungs struggled to grasp enough air to shout insults at me as I was fumigating the place but I what I didn't realise was how me and Hamsa were fine. It turns out that the only two air ventelation points were being consumed by us both.

It may be wrong for me to feel satisfaction about this oint but It's more to do with the fact that I struggled to keep the right behaviour of a muslim and yet had I let myself go that was the kind of punishment I would have hoped for!

Jihad

So I was pondering over the pilgrimage Hajj.....
...and thought about it's costly price of about 2ooo pounds! yep! thats right 2000 or at least no less than a thousand.

Imagine all the muslims that long to go on Hajj but may never be able to afford it, and then I think about me...., I had the money, and therefore had the ability to go to Hajj and yet I didn't I came to Egypt.
I wondered if I was going to be punnished for this action, because I thought that I had really made a grave mistake. How can I look such an opertunity in the eye and let it go, I don't know if I will ever have the money as a disposable income again and ever since my first thought on this subject during the past Ramadhan I have been worried about it.

This weekend al hamdulilah I found my saving grace in a friend and her amazing family. I sat with her parents talking about Islam and the deen untill 2.30 in the morning, it wasn't planned or intentional, it wasn't a dawa session or an Islamic lesson it was just one of those beautiful things. I don't remember the relevance of my question to conversation at the time but I asked what they think about my thoughts on my trip to Egypt and wether they too felt as I did about my decission on comming here and not going to Hajj.

They replied with something that forced me to fight tears....

It was there 16 year old son that said it first and they carried on to say that what I had done was in itself Jihad I made the decission to come to Egypt to better myself within my religion and should never feel regret toward, they explained that if you have the money but need education, or have an elderly relative, or children to look after it is obligatory for you to do those first, and that I had taken the decision to educate myself for the sake of Allah.

To think of myself as someone that has taken Jihad reminds me of my importance of this trip. and just this morning I read in the Quran;

'...And whoever emigrates for the cause of Allah will find on the earth many [alternative] locations and abundance. And whoever leaves his home as an emigrant to Allah and his messenger and then death overtakes him-his reward has already become incumbant upon Allah. And Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful...'

Surah 4, Ayat 100.

and so today I am ready to die, should it be written for me.

My days in Faisal

And the nubian wedding with no food!!! lol

That moment!

Do you live your life worrying about every little thing that may occur in the future, the wrong that you have done in the past, the ever growing list of things to do or the fact that its 2am and you have to wake up at 7am for a long day's work in the morning?


I don't! I put them all in this little place where I forget them but its all still there and sometimes spills out on to my consciousness from time to time.

For instance, lets start with the worrying about the future thing..... I always make it a motto of mine not to directly think about the future, I'm not saying that it's a good motto but perhaps a lazy one for getting through life with a little less responsibility on my shoulders, but I have realised maybe what I have always known deep down is that it does worry me I just seem to have chosen not to think about it and now I'm stuck on that very thin line of being a child and an adult..... hanging on by a thread shall we say.

I have developed this massive fear of getting married (settling down) ever!!, I guess I just never understood how a woman as strong, intelligent, wise and true as my mum could make a mistake 2ce in that department in her life. And if she can do it then I feel bound to do it. I'm terrified of letting my (possible future) children go through any of what me and my brother experienced down to a tiny mistake that probably just started with a glance across a crowded bar. And when I was too caught up with crossing that line into adulthood to see the possible dangers in front of me I was reminded of exactly how true my foreseen prophesy was. I fell in love, we grew together and I found true trust for the first time in my life, I felt secure, stable and happy despite my adolescent behavior at times and it seems that I can only really see that now. But it happened, the thing that I had started to forget was possible, he let me down.......he shook our foundations until I had no where left to stand and everything I was so sure of was compromised. So I did what any other coward would do and ran for the hills.

And now I worry about the future and the past, I regret my actions but have to live with them, secretly (also) living in hope that I'm forgiven and that the impossible could happen and I could turn back time. but that doesn't change the fact that I let my guard down enough to get violently hurt. I fell in love with him because he was everything that the other wasn't. Kind, generous, honest, Innocent, loving, emotionally strong, a Muslim. And since that I have this fear that I squeeze way back into my tiny mind, but am influenced by it still!! no mater how hard I try to loose it, it always comes back.

For that very early morning on the beach in Sahel I found the eternal happiness of a spotless mind. I forgot about everything, really forgot everything just disappeared and it was all about the sky the sea and Allah's mercy on me for that moment. I laughed so hard that I cried and didn't really know what I was laughing at.

Ode to that moment in my life. May I never forget it, may there be many more of them, and may I always be greatful for them...

...Ameen

DumiaT

I travelled to a place called DumiaT last week for 4 days as the grandfather of the family that I am staying with passed away (Allah ya rahmou).

I couldn't believe that there is an actual civilised suburb exising in Egypt!!!

It's right up in the north and contains the end of the Nile where it meets the sea. It's very clean by Egyptian standards and not crowded at all! all though there's absolutely nothing to do there but I can see it being a nice place to go back to once your children are all grown up, although it holds those annoying intracacies that every small town is familiar with, everyone knowing your daughters friends brothers son's business and the wonder of how such a shop that sells 1 thing every week manages o stay open. Although, everyone there are much fitter, because there are less cars and better weather (with it being so close to the sea). Loads of people ride bikes and the town is small enough and pretty enough for you to want to walk to get from place to place, where as you need money to move in Cairo.

So I went and saw Ras Al Bar (the place where the Nile meets the Sea). It's strange to think that a river so grand that stretches so far ends at that small point. To know that the water your looking at has travelled al the way from Rawanda, and that the prophet Moses sailed down the same river in his tiny basket many years ago is something else!! something you can only apreciate in such a quiet place.

Flying without wings!

So, I have started horse riding as a serious sport now.

Not just now and then.

I even have a friend who hooked me up with a trainer that teaches me to race with skill, and last Friday they up-graded my horse with confidence that I knew a bit more about control.

I loved my horse, you tap it a little and it revs its engines, just a slight click from the corner of your mouth with a double tap with your heel and off it go's!!!!

Sub7anallah the speed of acceleration is something else!! I don't know how fast I was going at my peek but I over took the trainer and as he yelled at me to pull back I turned my head and screamed "LEI!!!!" which in Egyptian means why. By this time I was going too fast to turn back fully to see him but I could here him laugh at me as he shouted "inti magnouna wa horsan bardo!", in other words (namely English) " you are crazy and your horse also!!!" so I pulled back bit by bit slowing down until he caught up with me and he taught me how to keep my horse close to his as we rode off together, with him teaching me to control the speed in order to be side by side.

I totally know now why they call it Horse Power, Sub7anallah! I was going so fast at one point that my bum wasn't touching the saddle!!!!!!

Even if I wake up the next day with a back as bent as an Egyptian police man, and my hands all covered in blisters from having to pull the rains soo tight its still my favourite thing to do in Cairo!

Beautiful- If you want to experience flying but are scared of heights, ride a horse!!!

the typical 2.4 children

So I'm still living with the family.
Things are still much as the same, although, finding my clothes have been worn without being asked and my freshly cleaned hijabs now scrumpled in a pile on my bed (although a neat pile it may be) is starting to grate on me. But none of it is done out of spite, and I suppose its nice that they feel so comfortable with me to be like this, it's just I am a funny so and so and I like my own space.
You see I do have my own bed (to sleep in) but it isn't my bed and I'm reminded of this when I come home after a long days work and just want to pass out to find school uniform and used damp towels amongst other things on my (oops I mean)/ her bed.
That's the problem I am in debt to her and her sister. You see I don't have any privacy but that's down to me, they don't have any privacy either and this is down to there generosity and kindness and I feel so guilty every time I feel my temperature raise at the site of my favourite jeans being worn by her slightly chubby sister! and when my expensive broach isn't in my accessories bag but on her mums abaya lol, OK OK that's enough moaning just had to get it out of my system.
The truth is I am really going to miss them all when I leave, the dad that insists on knowing everything but is sooo generous that drives the mum crazy who looks to me for advice in almost everything that she does and the doting little sister that wants to make everyone happy and is so comfortable in her own skin for a 14 year old that I'm constantly impressed.
Never the less I just need my own space!

So, I have been looking for a place with a small budget but they won't let me take any of the cheap ones because they say that it's not safe blah blah, (btw there are no woman that live alone in Egypt! this is strictly limited to the few foreigners that live here, only then is it acceptable). When I do find a suitable priced apartment something happens where it doesn't work out. Mainly because you have to rely on people here. It's all about who you know, and I don't know anyone, so I have on rely on people that do and Egyptians are very lazy!!!!!
SO....
I look for a job with better pay that everyone insists I can get for speaking English only and being a British national in order to widen my choice of places. But how do you get jobs here!?!?!?!? like in England you have the job centre, the newspapers, the untold amount of Internet sites and agencies, here, I just don't know. Again its who you know, and again I don't know anyone. But even when I do get an interview it's just like before; it turns out that there was an error in communication and perfect Arabic as well as English is a must!
So it's 2 steps forward 3 steps back.
I need to work on reversing these numbers!! then least then I'd be getting somewhere. I know that I will at some point but its all a waiting game here. If you want to brush up on your patience come to Egypt!

.....Further updates

OK, so I asked my salary, well I wasn't that brave I suggested to his daughter whilst he (Abu Hassan) was on the phone that I needed to know so I could estimate my budget when looking for an apartment....

EEEEK

It's not good its below what the job is worth really especially as I'm working 9-6 6 days a week which is very rear in Egypt, VERY!

and it's not even enough to pay for the minimum rent that is I would be lucky to get......

So, what do I do. She asked me if it was OK with me but I just smiled and said yes, I mean what can I say, they are doing so much for me and there even bribing someone they know so that I can get a longer Visa without the early morning paper work! not to mention that they are paying for my arabic teacher 4 days a week, who I really like! he's 29 a very much into his deen, you now the one beared and disdasha, which intimidated me a little bit at first. Speaks no English but never lets me give up. And he's teaching me from the beginning ABC... but really thoroughly. And after a slow convo in Arabic I found out that he started practising Islam at 21, before that he was just any guy at uni. So how can I say no its not good for me but Im going to have to sooner or later, besides Il just continue to the end of the month so that I can somehow repay them for all there kindness and explain my predicament. Although I know that they will just suggest that I should move into Abu Hassan and his Wifes house as they are in Saudi every other 3 months (as they already have done) but I want my own place that I can paint and fill with dodgy seccond hand furniure that I grow to love...lol you get my point though.

We'll see how it go's

Hajj

To carry out the pilgrimage rituals a pilgrim needs to be in a state of Ihram - a special state of ritual purity.
A pilgrim does this by making a statement of intention to perform the Hajj, wearing special white clothes (which are also called Ihram), and obeying certain regulations.

During the Hajj, pilgrims are forbidden to:
Engage in marital relations
Shave or cut their nails
Use cologne or scented oils
Kill or hunt anything
Fight or argue
Women must not cover their faces, even if they would do so in their home country
Men may not wear clothes with stitching.

Once in Mecca pilgrims enter the Great Mosque and walk seven times round the Kaaba (a cube-like building in the centre of the mosque) in an anti-clockwise direction.
This is known as Tawaf.

Pilgrims also run seven times along a passageway in the Great Mosque, commemorating a search for water by Hajar, wife of Prophet Abraham.

DAY 1: FIRST STEP
Pilgrims travel to Mina on 8 Dhul Hijjah (a date in the Islamic calendar) and remain there until dawn the next morning.

DAY 2: STANDING AT ARAFAT
Pilgrims then travel to the valley of Arafat and stand in the open praising Allah and meditating.
At the end of the day, pilgrims travel to Muzdalifa where they spend the night. Pilgrims gather up stones to use the next day.

DAY 3: STONING THE DEVIL
In the morning, pilgrims return to Mina and throw seven stones at pillars called Jamaraat. These represent the devil. The pillars stand at three spots where Satan is believed to have tempted the Prophet Abraham.

Pilgrims sacrifice an animal (usually a sheep or goat). This commemorates the incident related in the Old Testament when the Prophet Abraham was about to sacrifice his son and God accepted a sheep instead. Nowadays many pilgrims pay someone to slaughter the animal on their behalf.

Pilgrims shave their heads or cut some hair from it and return to the Great Mosque at Mecca for a further Tawaf, walking around the Kaaba. They then return to Mina, where they spend the night.

DAYS 4 & 5
Pilgrims spend time in Mina, continuation of the ritual of stoning the pillars.
If a pilgrim has been unable to return to Mecca to walk around the Kaaba, he or she does so on the fourth or fifth day.

Where is she now?

So once again I have landed on my feet, and here is a brief update for those that want to know;



A friend offered me her house after I realised that the budget my flat was giving me would result in an earlier departure then wanted (due to limited funds).



When I say offered me her house I mean a 2 bedroom flat along with her sister her brother and both her parents.

Hmmmm....6 people in 2 rooms?, how does that work you may ask! very nicely actually. Her and her sister share a bed whilst I get the bed of the other in their room, her parents and her brother share between the other room and the sofa bed in the front-room. Sounds tight I know but it works and Im comfortable her mum doesn't want me to leave because...



A) she wants to learn English and has the chance to conversate with me

B) apparently her children are acting better since I've arrived,



Her father is an easy man to talk to speaks English well and loves that typical slapstic egyptian comedy. It was he who hooked me up with the job Im at now. A patient of his owns a travel and tourism company and is expanding at the moment by planning to offer boat trips from egypt to Saudi quicker than a plane journey.

And so here I am over looking the purchase of some very large ships for this very kind man called Abu Hassan in his late 70's lives between here and Saudi Arabia and is treating me like his daughter.

His whole family are doing everything to help me. He gave me a lump of money before I started as a good will gesture, invites me into his office to eat with his family every day at the end of work, sends me home in his Merc with his driver, and gave me some money yesterday 'as a father to a daughter' his daughter said as I protested to take it. His daughter passes by the office almost every day with her daughter. His 3 sons all grown and married work within the business.



They ask me every day what I need, to the point that I feel I should make something up, untill finally I mentioned that I needed an arabic teacher. Within secconds his son was on the phone and after I finnished my food I was called into the office where a teacher sat and they discussed my schedule for study to be 4 days a week here at work for 2 hours all paid for by the company.



It has overwhelmed me the generosity from both these families just as I was about to write off all egyptians as cunning con artists, ok not all but most. And I feel greatly indebted to both a debt that Im worried I will not be able to repay.



Although it has put me in a bit of a pickle, I don't know my sallary and all these kind gestures have made it almost impossible for me to ask...but I need to know if it is suitable for what I am able to live on. I also work 6days a week something I learned the day before my presumed 2-day weekend, another thing that I want to talk to him about but feel like I don't have a right to almost! 1day is not enough for me to enjoy my life, I usually go horse riding every Friday but sometimes the people I go with change it to a Satuirday being the other common day from there weekend here in Egypt and I go swimming on Saturdays which is the only day available for many reasons and I have Friday off only..... Insallah I'l sort this after a week or two.

....So aparently before getting my hair cut I have to ask the hairdresser if they re generos with money or not!

If there answere is 'not' then my hair will not grow well after they have cut it!

in the words of an egyptian...

EH DA??

Kind words from a good friend

little jessi,

He is going to regret his disision for the rest of his life. He could have had a diamond but instead he settled for quartz. Allah has obviously better plans for you, I can't wait to see what they are as long as they are back in England, London.

new day

Life just got real serious....

...cause for a little while it was all just about fun in the sun.

So the long awaited Ramadhan has finally arrived and it couldnt have come any sooner! I spent the day before rather domestically cleaning up, doing some hand washing tying up some loose ends and then took a stroll to the masjid at the end of my road for Isha and finally Taraweh.

...where I cried like a baby for the first 8 raqah's. I don't know what it is that just gets me with the qur'aan but I stood there in preyer listening to Surah Al-Baqarah remembering that that particular chapter of the Qur'aan is a healer. So, I asked Allah to do just that, I pleaded with him to clean my heart of the black mark i had allowed to grow over the past year and to heal my emotional wounds that I left open and unforgoten to bother me from the back of my mind.

As my dissapointments of life flashed before my eyes the tears started to flow as did my astughfir's untill I was finding it hard to breath.

You see Im not much of a cryer!
I didnt cry when my mum weeped on my shoulder at the airport, nor do I when I cut my hand or remember my broken heart or when I feel disgusted at myself when I reminisce on the hurt and pain that I have caused others. So it was quite a clearance. and afterwards I felt exhausted I couldn't believe it was only 10.00 pm!!

Al-Hamdulilah!

I had my first Qur'aan lesson today also, it's been one of the only things that leaves me anticipated for children so that I can put my (on-point) recitation to use and lead my family in prayer (Inshallah). I will be having 1hour of Qur'aan and 3 hours of Arabic a day from now on and getting paid to just stick around for an hour in case they get some children for the English classes they want me to start teaching. And that's only obligated on me for 3 days a week.

Both my Arabic and My qur'aan teacher want to pay me to tutor them in speaking English, so I made a deal to swap the lessons for home cooked food. They found that hilarious, but they haven't seen what a put off my kitchen is to cook in and KFC and Pizza hut is really expensive every night .

So, hello to Ramadhan and the purification of my soul Inshallah!

regret

I had a regret once, and the very person that helped me abolish it has now given me another to replace it with.
Once again I am reminded of that gut-renching feeling that lingerers in the background and plagues your mind like a mosquito in the dark.

The only possible consolation for this is that what ever mistake you made that led to a regret is that you can learn from your actions and move on......
....but not with this one I can see myself making this mistake again and again.

AND THAT IS MY CURSE!


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theres just no thrill of the chase here in London

Yea but...

They chase so hard here that they chase thier own tail,

they go round in circles so fast that end up biting there own a*se

converstation of contradiction

SELEF NIQABI;
what is that weired mark that all the men in this country have on their heads?

ME;
from making sujud, you know in the qur'aan where it say's how we will be recognised by the mark on our heads.

SELEF NIQABI;
No. I think that its so bad that when the adhaan go's there are people just sitting around here.

ME;
Well they are still human here just because it's a nuslim country it doesnt mean that there aren't any wasowis from shaytahn.

SELEF NIQABI;
Yeh but in saudi when th adhaan go's the streets are empty and there are nomen on road.

ME;
but don't they arrest men that aren't don't prey?

SELEF NIQABI;
yeah! I think thats sooo good!

ME;
No it isn't didn't the prophet (saaw) once say that there is no compulsion in religion?

wooooooooooooooohoooooo

Misr week 2 or three

WOW!
So much to say for such a little time.

I seemed to have really fallen on my feet here from the 1st day I arrived I met a gurdian Angel who has looked after me.
And allthough it seems as if you nver get something for nothing here sometimes just friendship is a fair price to pay.....If thats all it is!

So we had a heart to heart or a heart to mind, you know the one
"I like you, what do you think about that?"
"hmm well thanks, a bit strange as I've only known you for about a week, but yea im getting that egyptians are the hopeless romantic types. But I dont feel tjhe same way"
"yea I thought that"
and without giving the cliche 'its not you its me' line, (which had its relevance never the less) I mumbled through a head full of cliche's untill I summbled upon an epiphany or a 'self-actualisation' (private joke) .

Al-hamdulilah, we all have our gifts.
Allah blessed me with a srange one.
It IS a gift!
..because it protects me from being hurt,
but it is also a curse.

A curse because the block that has been put on my heart to stop me from being emotionally involved is also keeping me away from alot of nice brothers, brothers that are all perfectly good marriage material.
Allah knows best.
I can try and think of the wisdom of this that its keeping me from being interupted in a crucial point in my life.
But the truth of it is I really dont know why.
Even when I came close to being emotionally involved with someone or being able to see myself in the future with that person. I still got on that plane and came here.

I don't regret it beause it was what I had to do, but I do think about you all the time.

So here I am, two or three weeks into this trip and I have already found some clarity.

Kheir Inshallah
A curse in the fact

Saudi's, the desease of tthe egyptian Summer!

1st day

A home from home

As I sit in this dark back alley internet cafe, full of smoke and lacking in air conditioning, it still hasn't really sunk in that im here yet.


Even though I have seen Husseins (raa) Tomb, walked through the streets of Khan El Khalili, eaten stuffed intestines and pigeon, and been to an engagement party to end all engagement party's!!!



and the only part of this that is sinking in is that I don't ave to work for a year, and before you say it no I won't get bored lol, the days seen to fy by here even though my day sars at 8am-ish an finnishes at fajr. I guess that's because when I am in England and working I feel every seccond of that God forsaken day!

DAMN

I immerse myself in my 'work',
I put the radio on my phone and plug in the hands-free and blare the thoughts out of my head,
I try to ignore my erratic heart beat,
my fever all over my body,
I clench my fist, my toes.
I worry for anyone that crosses me at this moment,
I want to scream, in many ways!
It's so unnatural and yet so natural?,
my eyebrows are dented in the middle giving me a pleading look!
I need a release!
I gulp,
I sigh heavily,
I grit my teeth,
I laugh at myself.

It's still there,
for another day!

DAMN!

Hazed vision

Immortal Technique Concert 04/06/08

Yesterday I fell in love,
it was such a nostalgic feeling, it came entangled with inspiration.

Along with Marmite, Public parks, and my mother, the up and coming Hip-Hop scene has given me another reason (on the ever shrinking list) to be proud to be British.
Not a pride of arrogant intent but the type of pride that hopeful foundations lye on.

Standing in one of the most eclectic crowds I have ever seen I listened to a 17 year old tell me about 'his ancestors growing into tall feathers with ink dripping from there feet writing the words that can still be read today', it was obviously said with a bit more lyrical finesse but you can see where I'm coming from, a 17 year old!

So you can Imagine the rest of the warm up, each performer topping the one before it eloquently articulating the problems that we chose to ignore. Where other rappers before them couldn't find any other words but 'F*CK THE POLICE', these guys break down political history all in the time it would take to tie your shoe laces!

I can't wait to check out some of the snippets I heard in full detail.
To understand what I'm hyping up look out for artists such as 'Low Key' of the Poisonous poet's crew, and 'The Peoples Army' crew.
I have to give a special mention to 'Low Key', Karim you stole the show big time!

Tribute to leila

Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.

rolling stone....

I need to go away more often!
It seems to be the only time I can arrange a get-together!
it's like, just as my time's up here I actually somehow inherit a social life.
A social life of late nights and long days, last minute bbq's in public parks, Rap concerts, open mic sessions and films.
I'm exhausted, I'm all over the place, I am still wearing the same clothes from the night before.... it's all good!
I have to do this, I have to start making happy memories to over-ride the back-log of sad-ones that are up in here.
I'm young, I'm single, I'm generally quite free, and I'm not broke so there should never be anything stopping me!
that's my new attitude, sleep is for the old! rest is for the wicked, and I am neither so rock-on!
I love spontaneity I can't get enough of it I just wish it came with a magic wardrobe of clean clothes.
...So next week camping! we'll see if that happens but it's been a funny few months so anything could happen. I still can't believe that we actually succeeded in the £1.79 disposable bbq's idea!

Frogs to Princes

You gotta' meet alot of Mo's to find a Mohammed

Everyone has a wicked streak

WANT

So I never understood why people are scared to want things in life, or, when people want too much that they are never satisfied.

What I really don't like is when people want something sit and moan about it without doing something about i. So I have always been someone to try and get what she wants with honesty and without delay.
Except when I realise that what I want isn't good for me, because then I have issues. I get so stuck into the 'getting what I want' rhythm that I find it hard to use sense, and step back from things. Because often when you can stop, you don't want to, but when you want to you can't.

Recently, I had to stop myself from wanting something because often if wanting something involves a second or third party they kind of have to be on the same page, now that's something hard to gage. They may be in the same book but not on the same page, and they might not even decide to finish the chapter. So I decided to put the book mark in and put the book on the shelf for a while.
That way even though I may not want to I am still able to stop.
And I don't compromise with other things that I have worked to go and get, which it very nearly did but luckily the small 'insignificant' things can become BIG signs at understanding If your even in the same book.

My new man such a mover

If only

so maybe Im going crazy but this doesn't seem right, like I know Im not all that of an expert in this stuff but surely this isnt right maybe.......hmmmm or...... what if....... so I wonder what the conection is.... or what is happening now.... If im making a big thing out of nothing or if I'm just a mug.... it's never been the latter before in this kind of situation, but hey theres a 1st time for everything!

Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect

The man whispered, 'God, speak to me' and a magpie warbled

But, the man did not hear.

So the man yelled, 'God, speak to me' and the thunder rolled across the sky.

But, the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said, 'God let me see you.' And a star shone brightly.

But the man did not see.

And, the man shouted, 'God show me a miracle.' And, a life was born.

But, the man did not notice.

elo elo elo

As soon as the Sun comes out we all go a little bit crazy....
....But what a lovely long weekend

Decisions...Decisions....

Before I became Muslim I still seemed to have a sense of spirituality, of some sort, although sacrilegious it didn't seem to be.

I was very happy to float along in life believing that 'what will be will be' and that my 'fate is what it is', which generally meant I had little to worry about.
This, added with my lack of sympathy for others and having a conscience that was little to non meant that life was quite easy for me.

Now!.....now I have to think about everything.
I have to think before I speak -still working on that one-
I have to think, if what I say could or would hurt anyone in any way. Put myself in others shoes, so to speak.
I have to think about my actions -another one in working progress-
If what I do will benefit just myself or if there is a better way of doing it so that it can benefit others.

When I come to a cross roads in my life......it is no longer sufficient to accept 'if it's meant to be it will be'
I am slowly moving away from my procrastinating days into an 'affirmative action woman'
and when these dilemma's do come about I can clearly visualise it like a cross roads, do I take the road to the right or the one to the left?
and it's never anything more than an educated guess so I gamble.....
yes I gamble a gambling MUSLIM!!! DEH DEH DEHHHHHHH!!!

Like how do I know if doing the sensible thing is the right thing? or if doing the sensible thing means missing out on a better life......I don't!

....and it's driving me crazy because I know that if you want something you have to just go out there and get it. But when you want two things that clash with each other what choice do you make? and when it's all just a matter of time, you question yourself as to weather time is something you can control?

So there you are with this big decision that you have been shoving to the back of your mind into your very own little Pandora's box.
You get into bed at night and fantasise about the 'what could have been's' and the 'what might Be's', dreaming up all these little realities, imagining yourself living these choices.
It's only then that you realise that you have already made your decision!
and that you should stop worrying and just do it!
and the next day
your all a buzz....
and there's so much to sort out
and so little time (it's always about the time)

but....WHAT IF!!!!

uh oh here it comes the doubts?

....it always reminds me of the scene in 'Pulp Fiction' with Bruce Willis (and Al Green in the background singing 'Lets stay together') and Ving Rhames says to 'Butch'

"that's Pride fuc*ing with you"....

....he may as well be saying it to me because my doubts are only so that I don't make a fool out of myself. Only because I don't want to seem clingy or stalker-ish or luney or brash or Rude or selfish or argggggghhhhhhhhhh.

So there it is.

I need to live for the moment and not give a shizzle what other people think.
Even if it concerns them?
no that's not right!
because then I wouldn't be acting like much of a Muslim...

...AHoooo again with the cross roads.

Hmmmm

Seriously more-ish

which is

slightly dangerous

ObAmA, oBaMa, ObAmA!!!!

I'd obliterate Iran...


....if there was a launched nuclea attack against Isreal. Said Hilary, once she was president.

Na NAKON!!!!!

here we go again, weapons of mass destruction.

VOTE BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!

(Oh'..) Lord of the Flies

He must have been on a stake out for the past few days, observing it's enemy (namely me) and the habits with which to use upon my destruction.

I could ignore him for the sake of an un-interrupted episode of 'desperate housewives' which only led to irritate him even more so.

teasing me he would linger around my head, screaming in my ear.

ENOUGH was ENOUGH!

I flicked the switch to stun the sod HA HA

it faked an injury only to screw with my mind when it flipped out and starting darting around the room

I grabbed the deodorant and fired it in short blasts......

no joy!
I just couldn't get it within my line of fire.

twisting and turning around the room i emptied my ammo on everything but the blasted FLY!!

until i collapsed back on to my bed defeated.......

choking.....

itching.....

gassed.....

and off it flew nonchalantly out the door!

Maslow's concept 1943

I am not a stranger to the mantra of the mid 90's that is; 'Self Actualisation', an after thought of the escapist attitudes left over from the aftermath of the 70's and 80's Ecstasy and cocaine generation, leading to unmotivated family dynamics or so 'they said' amongst us, the working class the once thought of 'backbone of Britain'.


My strongest recollection of education is remembered not from school but in a mis-shapen youth club where our lessons of respect acceptance and personal strength were at an abundance.
And sometimes by doing so this seemed to have had a devastating effect of reverse-psychological self fulfilling prophecy's where the rich stayed rich and the poor stayed oblivious, but then again there's just no helping some people lol.
Although, the encouragement from my council appropriated mentors didn't always fall on deaf ears. But, I guess the belief that someones environment and social conditions play a fundamental role in motivating an individual towards self growth isn't too far from the truth.

However,

Islam seemed to be the one 'theory' that didn't need a pie chart graph or diagram to understand and or take effect, it's equation is quite simple.

Islam has a two-fold meaning;

• submission to god
• peace

-Peace attained through willing obedience to Allah's divine guidance.

And therefore a Muslim is;

-one who surrenders to God and is a sustainer of peace.

Alternatively one can dissect themselves through theory's such as Maslow's concept of 'Self-Actualisation'

or submit to God and have a simpler life...

if only!

with thanks to MK, without whom I would never had ponderd upon the term 'self -actualization' haha

Today

Yesterday was the official end of the beginning,

Like....nursery school,

...which you spend painting rainbows with the continuous amazement of watching the sand as you pour it into the water tray and having the glorious feeling of wearing the only Superman costume in the fancy dress corner for the third time in a row during the week.

...Just like the time leading up to yesterday.


It seems to take forever to end, as much as your enjoying it you just want to get into reception class and start learning all the wonderful things that grown ups know and do.

Like what I'm waiting for now,
now that today is the official end of the beginning.

Like when July comes at the end of nursery school,

Just like yesterday!

And you realise that not all endings are official,
they are just the start of something else...

like a beautifull summer,
like after yesterday.

Pee Wee Prince

13:30:43PD says:
Dont worry,

I wont hurt u

I only want u 2 have some fun

I was dreamin when I wrote this

Forgive me if it goes astray

But when I woke up this mornin

Coulda sworn it was judgment day

The sky was all purple,

There were people runnin everywhere

Tryin 2 run from the destruction,

U know I didnt even care
13:30:57PD says:
cuz they say two thousand zero zero party over,Oops out of time

So tonight Im gonna party like its 1999
13:31:12PD says:

THAT SHOULD KEEP YOU GOING

12/10/02

In the silence of my every breath her name is whispered and within the shadows of my footsteps she shall walk free

Cryptoff!!!!! American Airlines Cancels Another 900 Flights

The American dream foiled by as little as a loose wire and concerns of weapons of 'Mass destruction' takes a back-seat to a technological melt-down.
So ironically 2000 Americans are imprisoned in their own so called utopia.

"They didn't get a message to me at all"

is all that's to be said by Colleen Betts.

?

The hour I saw noon,

I knew I'd never see dawn,

'cause once my sun had set I had forever to mourn.

I wake up every morning with absent passion to breath,

and every day I ask myself....

....why did you leave?

Guilt for when I raise a smile for a joke you should be hearing,

the pain,

the hurt,

the fury,

all those nights with my tears and....

Although I know you would hate for this..

..but when it's hard to sleep,

I hear myself asking you,

'WHY DID YOU LEAVE?'

Sing it Alicia.....

I won't tell your secrets,

your secrets are safe with me,

I will keep your keep your secrets,

just think of me as the pages in your diary

OK , so it's another useless thought but I Iike it

An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

There would never be an escalator with a temporarily out of order sign,

only an escalator temporarily stairs.

Sorry for the convenience.

Pandora's box

So there has been something in my head jumping around trying to get to the front, trying to get my attention but I won't let it, So I push it to the back, because I cant seem to erase it permanently. And although I have managed to tuck it away in a far depths and crevasses of my brain i still know its there, and have this constant struggle of keeping it back.
I could just confront it but I can't figure my actions to what I do if I think about it and I'm scared about that, so I just keep it pushed far back as it buzzes to get free. The only thing is I think I might run out of space soon and then Pandora's box will be opened and who knows what will happen? If only I had a room 101!

maybe

To lay there, anywhere, in our beautiful mess of limbs, our breath synchronised by the metronome from our cacophony of heart beats. So close that not even a strand of hair can pass between us. Like a whisper immortalising such a moment so that I could feast off of it's memory in the solemn times to come.

Testing Testing 123...........456...7...8.......9......ah come on!

In the last two weeks in particular I feel like I am being tested on alot of things!!!!
Some seem quite apparent at the start, others become understood when I fail and realise that there was a better way of acting, thinking, or speaking and some are just so obvious that I laugh at my own struggle.
So with this in mind I wonder why now?, is it because I am in the line up of some kind of reward in this life but I have to earn it first? or is it because I have been dragging my feet behind me so he's stepping up the game!. Maybe I just need a little slap in the face to know what should be important to me, to realise what IS important to me, and to remember that I don't have much to fight for.
I said to a friend before this all started happening that I wish I had the feeling of when I first took my steps towards him, not that I don't love him because I do but I just lack conscious gratitude of what he gives me, what he gives us, like before, where I would look at the muggy brown leaves on a grey day and feel amazed and humbled by there secret beauty that I now had the opportunity to see.
So maybe this is a more Divine lesson of the age old one that my dad used to give me;
"I'll give you something to cry about" he would say, and he did! although it's execution lacked example but I can see it clearly now in the work of the one I love.

My saving grace

As the screaming Greek and the insistent African rambled through my head, my eyes were sore and everything was thumping. I was ready to cry until I laid back 0n the grass opened my eyes and could only see this:

New event 12/04/08

CLICK ON THE PIC FOR AN ENLARGED VIEW

'Nobody knows it, but you've got a secret smile and you use it only for me'

i love it i hate it

palms sweating, stomache feeling like I have Michael Flately doing the river dance inside it, my heart is beating eratically, my face is burning, and my tongue feels irritated.

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.
- Sir Francis Bacon

Today I bumped into spring

As I looked over the wet concrete landscape I spotted the 1st Cherry Blossom tree in bloom hidden in its urban surroundings it adorned it's place like a single star in a night black sky

The Covenant of Madinah

• The Muslims and the Jews shall live together as one people.
• Neither of the two parties shall interfere with the faith of the other.
• If a third party attacks, each of the other parties shall be bound to help one another in the event of war.
• If Medina is attacked, both parties shall join hands to defend it.
• Both parties shall regard Medina as a sacred place, and bloodshed shall be forbidden there.
• The prophet shall be the final court of appeal in the event of a dispute.
  
  The covenant stood as an agreement for peaceful co-existence for all whom settled there.
  By 620AH the Prophet had built the nucleus of a Muslim state within Medina, they lived amongst Pagan tribes as well as Jews of whom were (economically) very powerful and controlled much of the trade within a city that was built upon it. This led the Pagan tribes to become very dependant upon them as a governing body within Medina.
  The constitution mirrors the hospitality that had been shown to the Muslims within Ethiopia upon the first Islamic migration By Negus of Abyssinia.
  
  This leads me to understand that these ethics and morals were not assigned to a particular time or place but a ruling to which Christians, Jews and Muslims alike have signed to as a pact with one another. I wonder if we all as people of a book remember this treaty and camaraderie between us in a time that so blatantly defies it.

Information gathered from the book 'A Chronology of Islamic history 570-1000ce' By H.U.Rahman.

The points above are just a small amount of the origional treatie.

The best book you will ever read

The Prophet Mohammed (may peace be upon him) said:
'When a man dies and his relatives are busy in funeral, there stands an extremely handsome man by his head. When the dead body is shrouded, that man gets in between the shroud and the chest of the deceased.

After the burial, the people return home, 2 angels, Munkar and Nakeer (names of two special Angels), enter the grave and try to separate the handsome man from the body so that they may be able to interrogate the dead man in privacy.
The handsome man says,
'He is my companion, he is my friend. I will not leave him alone in any case. If you are appointed for interrogation, do your job. I cannot leave him until I get him admitted into Paradise '.
Thereafter he turns to his dead companion and says,
'I am the Qur'an, which you used to read, sometimes in a loud voice and sometimes in a low voice. Do not worry. After the interrogation of Munkar and Naker, you will have no grief.'

When the interrogation is over, the handsome man arranges for him from Al-Mala'ul A'laa (the angels in Heaven) silk bedding filled with musk.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
'On the Day of Judgement, before Allah, no other Intercessor will have a greater status than the Qur'an, neither a Prophet nor an angel.'

Rhetorical

You want to know what my natural hair colour is, I'll give you four guesses...