Do you live your life worrying about every little thing that may occur in the future, the wrong that you have done in the past, the ever growing list of things to do or the fact that its 2am and you have to wake up at 7am for a long day's work in the morning?I don't! I put them all in this little place where I forget them but its all still there and sometimes spills out on to my consciousness from time to time.
For instance, lets start with the worrying about the future thing..... I always make it a motto of mine not to directly think about the future, I'm not saying that it's a good motto but perhaps a lazy one for getting through life with a little less responsibility on my shoulders, but I have realised maybe what I have always known deep down is that it does worry me I just seem to have chosen not to think about it and now I'm stuck on that very thin line of being a child and an adult..... hanging on by a thread shall we say.
I have developed this massive fear of getting married (settling down) ever!!, I guess I just never understood how a woman as strong, intelligent, wise and true as my mum could make a mistake 2ce in that department in her life. And if she can do it then I feel bound to do it. I'm terrified of letting my (possible future) children go through any of what me and my brother experienced down to a tiny mistake that probably just started with a glance across a crowded bar. And when I was too caught up with crossing that line into adulthood to see the possible dangers in front of me I was reminded of exactly how true my foreseen prophesy was. I fell in love, we grew together and I found true trust for the first time in my life, I felt secure, stable and happy despite my adolescent behavior at times and it seems that I can only really see that now. But it happened, the thing that I had started to forget was possible, he let me down.......he shook our foundations until I had no where left to stand and everything I was so sure of was compromised. So I did what any other coward would do and ran for the hills.
And now I worry about the future and the past, I regret my actions but have to live with them, secretly (also) living in hope that I'm forgiven and that the impossible could happen and I could turn back time. but that doesn't change the fact that I let my guard down enough to get violently hurt. I fell in love with him because he was everything that the other wasn't. Kind, generous, honest, Innocent, loving, emotionally strong, a Muslim. And since that I have this fear that I squeeze way back into my tiny mind, but am influenced by it still!! no mater how hard I try to loose it, it always comes back.
For that very early morning on the beach in Sahel I found the eternal happiness of a spotless mind. I forgot about everything, really forgot everything just disappeared and it was all about the sky the sea and Allah's mercy on me for that moment. I laughed so hard that I cried and didn't really know what I was laughing at.
Ode to that moment in my life. May I never forget it, may there be many more of them, and may I always be greatful for them...
...Ameen
1 comment:
worrying about your life is a natural process but we have to strike a balance, we live with our lives in the hands of Allah swt every minuate of our lives and we are truly at his mercy. sometimes i will be driving and have a vision of amaybe a terrible thing, i will immediattly snap out of it and be so gratefull, i will even behave as if my creator just saved me from that incident.. Allah swt knows best..
The next thing is all my life i have tried to find people that seemed to be like me and have the good charecteristics that i try to have all the time and constantly getting knocked because you may have put your guard down and thought of someone as honest and trustworthy and they proved to be less honest and trustworthy than what you may have anticipated..
It hurts and it leaves you at a cross roads, change my nature and be like them or keep it the way i am and keep looking, alhamdullilah i would much prefer to be the way i am because i prefer to be genuine and kind to those who deserve it..
I just reduced down my social circle and kept my standards high.. I expect the same from you the way i give you, give me back less on a few occasions... you dont deserve my company and friendship.. jazakallah kairun, i don't know you and go do one to mars..
Alhamdullilah after doing that for a few years picked up 1 or 2 along the way got myself a handfull of those, who i love for the sake of Allah swt.. remember the good people are few and far between..
i used to trust until i have reason not to trust, just got burned and saddned by the ummah as being a joke. then transformed it to distrust until they show me reason to trust..
their beleif is manifest externally, i see your actions and i don't know whats in your heart. if i see god fearing actions i will accept you as a god fearing person.. but if you show nasty and try to take advantage of my nature, alhamdullilah i will show you a side that is only reserved for those who are oppressors and tyrants, and when you see that i know that the cowards swith back to akhii, astaghfirullah, no its my defence mechanism.
sorry to go on i will stop.
just am in cairo and was looking at blogs on cairo and started reading yours, could relate to a lot of it, take care, be good and have a nice day.. may Allah swt give you a dishwasher and 1000 finish tablets..
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