Quote of my day

"Whoever’s sin was because of [carnal] desires, hope

for him (as he may repent and be forgiven),

but whoever’s sin was out of pride, fear for him.

For indeed, Adam sinned out of simple desire, and was

forgiven; Whereas Iblis sinned out of pride, and was

cursed. " - Sufyaan bin Uyainah

[not a hadith]

I don't often post religious epithets or hadeeth that much anymore but some of which I hear I am compelled to share.

Essays

So, I publish my essays on my blog under the page heading of 'If you think you can handle it'.To be honest I can't imagine anyone reading them only for the fact it isn't necessarily aesthetically pleasing and blogger makes publishing on a page difficult at the best of times.

The latest entry is an essay I wrote for my Judaism module about The Kabbalah. I actually enjoyed researching and writing this essay. I am currently writing an essay for the explanation of the doctrine of the Trinity for my Christian theology class, and I'm surprised to say that both themes are really quite similar. That is that they both seem to have eventuated via the philosophical questions of a believer to the nature and character of the Divine.

Any way it's all there if you are interested.......

The sea Draggon

So I was watching the Eden channel on sky to ease me out of my slumber and they were filming this amazing almost mythical creature called the sea draggon (like i was saying i was still somewhat groggy from sleep so couldn't tell you too much about it) but thought I would share Gods beautiful work with you all

NIQABITCH

Once you get over your shock, and you open your mind and drop your own prejudices, I hope that you find this protest to be what it is, a freedom of speech.

These ladies retaliated to the ban on niqab and hijab in France by producing this protest of their own. You may not like it but they certainly have a point.

By mixing the sacred with the profane they illustrate the ridicule we bring ourselves by placing such importance on fabric. Yes! I wear the hijab! but I wear it for my own reasons that are largely assosciated with religious ones but that is neither here nor there. One of the reasons I wear it and keep it is because I feel that I should be free to wear what I want in as much of an abundance as I like or as little for that matter.

Maybe it is the boom of the fashion industry that have ours and other western societies so obsessed with outward appearence, I don't know.

Some people hate these woman for what they did, and I'm sure the majority of which were muslim! can you believe it!!!!!! muslims! like me, asking for the right and freedom to wear what pleases them and yet tearing these women down for exorcising the same right- ok sure they were doing it purely for provocation - but as long as we want freedom of speach then we will have to listen to a whole lot of things that we don't necesarily like or want to hear and we shouldn't complain whilst doing so either.

The message is clear! freedom for all and hipocracy for none, its just a shame that they had to walk in the shoes of those they are trying to reach out to... NO I don't mean muslims, I mean hypocrites.

Think what you will, I commend them and I'm proud to do so

Sa3eed

His name was sa3eed, from Ghana and he called out to me with peace. In just 10 minutes he had given me a silent smile that reverberated through my soul and felt like it would last forever.

He wore a tweed flat cap and thread bear finger-less woollen gloves. He presented me with enlarged laminated pictures of his youth his wedding day, his boxing career and an old band poster which had featured in a succession of countries, one of which being Finland where he had learnt a new language and lost a marriage.

He spoke of Ummar the warrior companion and recited Jibra'ils message to the prophet (saaws) in an excitable stammered pattern, contrary to the scholars and their precision. In this broken & almost un-audible sound of his, the Qur'an echoed its original beauty in an un-orthadox way.

I walked away to the sound of his guitar and the strength of his kindness.

This is the power of communication!

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

BE WITH THE REVOLUTION!

Terms

kenosis |kəˈnōsis|noun(in Christian theology) the renunciation of the divine nature, at least in part, by Christ in the Incarnation.DERIVATIVESkenotic |-ˈnätik| |kəˈnɑdɪk| |kiˈnɑdɪk| |-ˈnɒtɪk| adjectiveORIGIN late 19th cent.: from Greek kenōsis ‘an emptying,’ fromkenoun ‘to empty,’ from kenos ‘empty,’ with biblical allusion (Phil. 2:7) to Greek heauton ekenōse, literally ‘emptied himself.’

Key differences between Indian religions and Abrahamic faith: Challenges to the concept of the 'religion' paradigm.

This article was written as an assignment for the degree of 'Theology and Religious studies' By me, Jessi Walker.

All religion is centralized around the idea of ‘human condition’. This is where we see key differences distinctive between Abrahamic faiths and those of India, most importantly the views of human condition through observation of human place in time. Time within Abrahamic faiths is a linear one. Each of us has one beginning, a fixed period of existence with an end and an eternal future that is fixed. In comparison Indian faiths such as Hinduism and Buddhism have a cyclical view on time. The human condition for Hinduism and Buddhism is a continual one, which is eternal with multiple beginnings and endings. This is best illustrated in the Buddhist ‘Wheel of life’.

In both Indian faiths, Hinduism and Buddhism there is one ultimate goal of extinction; to end the cycle of rebirth through breaking the chains of time; Samsara. They differ in their view of the path to do so and theistic Hinduism is similar to the Abrahamic faiths in the fact that they feel their salvation is best sought after through the pleasing of a personal God(s)/Goddess.

Religion as a term for doctrines of Indian faiths can be a label wrongly used. As Hinduism doesn’t hold any core characteristics that we can measure by and even using the term Hinduism as a blanket term for the ideas found within it can be suffocating and oppressive to its diversity, imposing the conformity of Western religion. Similarly for Buddhism, Indian religions challenge the way we think about the constitution of religion although in a different light in the fact that it is the vacancy of a God/Gods and is replaced with a concentration of the teachings of an enlightened human. This causes us to re-evaluate it as a religion and can be viewed as a school of philosophy/psychology? The distinctions of which are questioned.

Attention!

'The average man can't prove of most of the things that he chooses to speak of
And still won't research and find out the root of the truth that you seek of...'

ALL WELCOME

As a Buddhist Christian:

the misappropriation of

Iris Murdoch

Wednesday January 12^th, at 5.p.m.

Convent Parlour

Refreshments will be served

Digby Stuart Research Centre for Catholic Studies

Roehampton University

The 10 commandments

I am currently studying Theology and Religious studies at Roehampton University. One of my modules is 'Introduction to the Bible' and, at present, is the most interesting part of my life.

I often say to people that I am not a Christian or a Jew as much as I am not a Muslim. I am a follower of the religion of Abraham.

Although all of what I study is enthraling and important, there are certain things that I find to be highlighted before me. The below Reference to the Bible is one of those that, for me re-itterates the need for belief in the 'religion of Abraham' to take more importance as a label to that of 'Islam'.

'Then God spoke all these words: I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an Idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath...'

Exodus 20

Names

My name is Jessi.
Some call me 'Jess', stupidly, this annoys me. Some people call me 'Habibti' (darling), he calls me 'Hayati' obviously this delights me, and when my mother calls me 'petal' this softens me.

Imagine how it pleases Allah when we mention his name.

Depending on what surah's we recite during our prayers we mention Allah 5 times (periods) a day minimum. This is the 'fard' (obligitory) rememberence that is asked of us.

Some of us remember Allah mmore than this. Some of us remember Allah when we see something amazing and we say 'subhanallah' (glory be to god), when we here something good 'mashallah' (as god has willed).

Every time we do this we please Allah :)

What an achievement! to please god!




Say BISMILLAHIR RAHMANIR RAHIM!
When Allah banished the devil from heaven, the 1st thing the devil asked was; But,

• Where will I eat and drink?
• Where will I sleep?

to which Allah replied; 'You will eat, drink and sleep with those that fail to say bismillah.'

The benefits of bismillah;

The prophet Mohammed (saaws) was standing by some children who were eating and all of a sudden a huge smile came upon his face. One of the children came to him and asked;
'ya rasoolilah, why is it that you are all of a sudden so happy?'
The prophet replied;
'When you began to eat a child amongst you forgot to say 'bismillah' so shaytan (satan) sat to eat from his food with him....
....but then the child remembered and said 'BISMILLAHI-AWWALUHU WA AKIRAHU' to which shaytan vomited.

Allahs infinate mercy from bismillah;

Prophet Mohammed saaws said;
When a man dies, his good deeds come to an end, except 3:

• ongoing charity,
  
• beneficial knowledge
  
• and righteous offspring who will pray for him (sahih muslim)
  

Sayedena Isa (raa) Jesus, walked past a grave and heared great torment from it. The next time he walked past the same grave there was silence. Jesus turned to Allah and asked; 'Oh Allah, how it was that his mercy was bought upon the inhabitant of this grave.
Allah replied;
'ya Isa (Oh Jesus) , when the man died, he left behind a child. When his mother took him to school and he, the child, said Bismillaahir rahmaanir raheem in the presence of the teacher, it is not like me to keep on punishing his father while he called me Rahmaan and Raheem. Hence, I forgave him.

The 10 days of forgiveness

Abu Hurairah (RA) narrated that Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said:

'In the last third of every night ALLAH descends to the lowermost heaven and says; "Who is calling Me, so that I may answer him? Who is asking Me so that may I grant him? Who is seeking forgiveness from Me so that I may forgive him?.'

[Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith Qudsi]

The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) reported:

The devil said to God: "I shall continue to lead Thy servants astray as long as their spirits are in their bodies."
And God replied: "(Then) I shall continue to pardon them as long as they ask My forgiveness."

- Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 742


On the authority of Anas, who said:

I heard the messenger (SAW) of Allah say:
Allah the Almighty has said: “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind.
O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you.
O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me,
I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as its.”

Then but now!

I could sit and talk about then and now but I couldn't think of it, because thinking of it takes a little part of me back there and why go to a place that had no benefit for me.

I could tell you that I loved once before that I made many mistakes that I was once a kafir but I have no need to think in it, 'The past'.

The past is what it is, the past! and it had/has no benefit for me.

And, although the saying go's 'those that chose to forget the past are condemned to repeating it', 'those' people did not have the secret.

When I look to you I am not looking at our past but rather I am looking to your future, when I look to him I am not looking to his past but I am looking to our future.

The seconds, hours, days, weeks, months, and years change me but nothing makes me want to change more than him...

Allah you are my guide your mercy knows no limits and I find myself in your favour.

You sent for me a guiding light from amongst the shadows, you taught me patience through prayer and I am, as ever grateful.

I asked much from you, and you kept my friends health, my brothers fi deen 3ala siratul mustaqeem. Like many that came before me and for those that came after you sent many lights.

You are blessing me now with the month of Ramadan, my salvage, our redemption. I am living in the 10 days of forgiveness. Rabighfirlee!!!

You know that I seek no malice you know that I only seek peace, inshallah you bless him with that knowledge.

My attempts are futile and are misinterpreted but my intentions are never unseen by you. Al hamdulilah.

My guiding light knows your mercy sub7anallah, embodies mercy.

My guiding light knows your forgiveness, al hamdulilah, embraces forgiveness.

My guiding light knows your greatness, Allahu Akbar, strives for greatness

My guiding light is Great, my mercy from you, as you shower upon me the ability to seek forgiveness.

May my gratitude never find boundaries as then I will be one of the wretched I will become what some have seen of me in that place that has no benefit.

Allahu Akbar, Allahu akram, allahu rabbi! Rabena.

being back

For the first time in my life, I missed you.
I felt regret for not being there to look after you,
I wanted to talk to you,

So I reached out,

For the first time in my life.


It was He who brought me there,
who tought me how,
who blessed me with the virtues.

He who you hate,

He put me there.

...and now,

I pray for him to bless you too,
and not to let me slip away.

The One

Surah Ikhlas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my years of struggle of searching for the truth of God, I gave up everything, affirming no relation in it between my head and my heart.
One sunny afternoon a craving for Olives overtook me (which it often did) and so I bought a jar and walked out into Marble Arch and heared a man to my left say;
'Olives! do you know how good olives are for you, and that it was one of the favoured foods of the prophet?
'I know why I like them, and a little about your prophet' I replied and slowly walked towards this bearded man standing at the da3ey (religeous {islamic} stand)'
As our conversation took place and he tried to give me the snippets of info that he thought would keep my attention, I could see he was surprised to see how much I knew being a blonde haired art student walking with pride in my ripped jeans. He offered me any book from the table and as I browsed over them all and had no other ioption to decline his offer as I realised, I had read them all (this dissapointed me, all I was waiting for was for someone to prove me wrong once and for all).
He reached into a box and pulled out 2 books; 'Modern science in the quran', and......

'KITAB AL TAWHID'

The book of 'oneness of god
The oneness of God is what sets Islam, this abrahamic religeon closest to its core.

Surah Ikhlas (Tafsir)

Was revealed in Makkah to the prophet when the Quraysh (an arabic tribe) asked the prophet 'What is your herritage/ancestory (this is disputed amongst narators) of your lord?

To which he replied;

قُلْ هُوَ اللَّهُ أَحَدٌ - اللَّهُ الصَّمَدُ - لَمْ يَلِدْ وَلَمْ يُولَدْ - وَلَمْ يَكُنْ لَّهُ كُفُواً أَحَدٌ

1.Say: He is Allah, One.
2Allah He begets not, nor was He begotten.
3.And there is non comparable to Him.''

(2.As Samad is one that is not born and doesn not give birth)

Such a simple and short ayah (verse), What importance does this surah hold over others?

A man heard another man reciting قُلْ هُوَ اللَّهُ أَحَدٌ (Say: "He is Allah, One.'')

...and he was repeating over and over.

So when morning came, the man went to the Prophet and mentioned that to him,

and it was as though he was belittling it.

The Prophet said, وَالَّذِي نَفْسِي بِيَدِهِ إِنَّهَا لَتَعْدِلُ ثُلُثَ الْقُرْآن

By He in Whose Hand is my soul, verily it is equivalent to a third of the Qur'an.

The Mother

As we can only ever hope to understand the Quraan better, here are my findings on tafseer of Al Fatiha.

Surah Al Fatiha has 7 verses of which consists of twenty-five words,and contains one hundred and thirteen letters and several names of which the following are included;

1. Umm Al-Kitab


2. As Salah


3. Al Fatiha


4. Ash-Shifa

Umm Al Kitab

In arabic, many things are referred to as Umm...(mother of...) for instance; Umm Al Qura (Qura-villages) is used to describe Makkah because it is the leader and the grandest of all villages. This indicates to us the stature this Surah has over the Quran.

As Salah

It is refered to as AS Salah as you can not complete a salah (preyer) without it and the prophet further validated this point in a Hadith;

...(Would you like me to teach you a Surah the likes of which nothing has been revealed in the Tawrah, the Injil, the Zabur (Psalms) or the Furqan (the Qur'an)

He said, `Yes, O Messenger of Allah!' The Messenger of Allah said, (I hope that I will not leave through this door until you have learned it.)

He (Ka`b) said, `The Messenger of Allah held my hand while speaking to me. Meanwhile I was slowing down fearing that he might reach the door before he finished his conversation. When we came close to the door, I said: O Messenger of Allah ! What is the Surah that you have promised to teach me'

He said, (What do you read in the prayer.) Ubayy said, `So I recited Umm Al-Qur'an to him.'

He said, (By Him in Whose Hand is my soul! Allah has never revealed in the Tawrah, the Injil, the Zabur or the Furqan a Surah like it. It is the seven repeated verses that I was given.)

Al Fatiha;

Muslim recorded in his Sahih, and An-Nasa'i in his Sunan that:

Ibn `Abbas said, "While Jibril (Gabriel) was with the Messenger of Allah , he heard a noise from above. Jibril lifted his sight to the sky and said, `This is a door in heaven being open, and it has never been opened before now.' An angel descended from that door and came to the Prophet and said, `Receive the glad tidings of two lights that you have been given, which no other Prophet before you was given: the Opening of the Book and the last (three) Ayat of Surat Al-Baqarah. You will not read a letter of them, but will gain its benefit.'''

This is the wording collected by An-Nasa'i (Al-Kubra 5:12) and Muslim recorded similar wording (1:554).

Ash-Shifa;

AS Shifa, meaning 'the cure'. It is also called Ar-Ruqyah (remedy), since in the Sahih, there is the narration of Abu Sa`id telling the the story of the Companion who used Al-Fatihah as a remedy for the tribal chief who was poisoned. Later, the Messenger of Allah said to a Companion;
(How did you know that it is a Ruqyah).

Structure

The formation of this Surah is into two halves between us and Allah. And Allah promices us what we ask for from within this surah, for example did you know;

If he says, 'All praise and thanks be to Allah, the Lord of existence'
Allah says, `My servant has praised Me.' When the servant says

...'The Most Gracious, the Most Merciful'

Allah says;`My servant has glorified Me.'

When he says; 'The Owner of the Day of Recompense'

Allah says; `My servant has glorified Me'

When he says; 'You (alone) we worship, and You (alone) we ask for help'

Allah say;`This is between Me and My servant, and My servant shall acquire what he sought.'

When he says; 'Guide us to the straight path. The way of those on whom You have granted Your grace, not (the way) of those who earned Your anger, nor of those who went astray.'

Allah says;`This is for My servant, and My servant shall acquire what he asked for.'

(all findings understood from)
© 1999-2008 Quraan.com.
Tafsir Ibn Kathir Translation © Dar-us-Salaam Publishing.

Rabighfirlee!!!

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) reported that the devil said to God: "I shall continue to lead Thy servants astray as long as their spirits are in their bodies." And God replied: "(Then) I shall continue to pardon them as long as they ask My forgiveness."

- Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 742



On the authority of Anas, who said:

I heard the messenger of Allah say:
Allah the Almighty has said: “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as its.”

"Istikhara" means to seek goodness from Allah (Exalted is He), meaning when one intends to do an important task they do istikhara before the task. The one who does the istikhara is as if they request Allah Almighty that, O the Knower of Unseen (Exalted is He) guide me if this task is better for me or not?

According to Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 21, Number 263:Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah :The Prophet (Sallal Laho Alaihi Wasallam) used to teach us the way of doing Istikhara, in all matters as he taught us the Suras of the Quran. He said, "If anyone of you thinks of doing any job he should offer a two Rakat prayer other than the compulsory ones and say (after the prayer):

WAY TO PERFORM ISTIKHARA

• First pray Two Cycles (raka') of ritual Prayer (nafil) such that in the first raka' after Surah Fatiha (Allhamd…) recite Surah al-Kafirun (Chapter 109) and in the second raka' after Fatiha (Allhamd…) recite Surah al-Ikhlas (Chapter 112).
• After finishing prayer recite this (supplication/dua'):
  

"O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge this action ------------------------------------------------ (which I intend to do) is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka'] in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine] that for me and then make me satisfied with it."

How many times?

It depends. Sometimes it takes only once to get the answer and sometimes it takes longer. It is better to do istakhara seven (7) times. If you have received an answer as explained in the section below, stop doing istikhara. You do not have to continue to do isitkhara for 7 days. It is better that right after reciting the supplication, given above, sleep with ablution (people who cannot keep the ablution for longer times due to health problems do not have to worry about ablution before falling asleep) facing the direction of the Qibla (facing the Qibla is not required but it is a Sunnat of our beloved Prophet Peace Be Upon Him). It is better to recite salutations (durood/ salawat) on the Prophet Allah's Grace and Peace be upon him before and after the above Dua (supplication).

Answer:

If in the dream one sees whiteness (means any thing white in color, for example: milk, white paper, white sky, white clothes, white light etc.) or greenness (means any thing green in color, for example: grass, plants, trees, green clothes, green light etc.) then understand that this task is better and if one sees redness (means any thing red in color, for example: blood, red clothing, red fruit, red light etc.) or blackness (means any thing black in color, for example: black water, black light, black clothings, black sky, black wall etc. ) then understand it is bad and avoid it.

If you do not remember any dream or do not see any colors then follow your heart. Whatever intention grows stronger in your heart regarding your targated work follow it after seven days of Istakhara.

Sweet bitterness

I was told to pay my cleaner 50 geneer which would be a hefty price for top to toe of my whole apartment.

The samsar (estate agent type guy) introduced her and let us arrange a day and time amongst ourselves for the job.

I sat there on the bed in the dreary box of an apartment trying not to let my skin touch the dirty mattress as beat down all the walls with a dirty pillow cover removing the cobwebs and insects after which she threw water all over the floor.

This lasted allot longer than she should have as she spent most of her time babbling on the phone, she finally dragged alll the dirty watter through to the bathroom drain. It turns out I needed a Sebek (plumber), that was the word she kep repeating over and over again as she shoved her chubby arm down the hole in the floor to drag up what ever could be stuck down there.

She then started to put on her Abaya (long over dress) as I stared at the dirt incrusted door frame and window and the dingy stained kitchen. "I have work, call me after you get a Sebek!"

So I looked in my purse for a part of the money but for some reason gave her 40LE and told her she would get the rest when she returned, despite the all the advice of not letting her place a foot out the door untill she had finnished!

After a week the Sebek came and went and again we arranged a convenient time for her to show.

So I waited at the flat untill i recieved a phonecall that she would come if I paid for her taxi!, I should have seen the rest from there.

She arrived finally had paid for the 4LE taxi herself and climbed the stairs to the top floor of mz apartment, onlz she wasnt alone there was another exasperated boisterous Egyptian with her with a plump round kind face.

Again me and a freind's little sister (age 14, Egyptian) sat there and watched them talk on the fone and do a little cleaning inbetween each call.

There was no water... I don't have a motor so I only recieve water in the night and at noon, it was now the afternoon.

Lucky for me my next door neighbour does so I would disapeer every now and then to re-fill the bucket.

They kept trying to get dressed despite not having cleaned anything from what I could see and making exuses like Im too short and all the rest of it.

So after having to keep re-telling them to clean behind the pipes in the bathroom and the door frames and everything else they finally said they were finnished and made long winded exuses to everything else.

So I handed my cleaner 20LE, baring in mind that her fee had now gone up to 60LE.

Her face was priceless I explained everything to her but she just kept demanding money telling me that I should pay her 50LE for her last visit and 50LE for this visit. This was never going to happen! let alone the fact that I couldn't afford it. Then she orderd that I must pay her friend, to which I reminded her that I called her not her friend and that she works for me but her friend is working for her. She refused to move and sat herself on my bed with a face like a smacked monkey's butt (as my mum would say). So I continued to spray the cockroach and ant killer into every nook and cranny and stood by the very small open window as Hamsa (my friends little sister) stood at the door ( I later found out that this was because the cleaner had tried to close it and she suspected the worst from this action) as she choked and spluttered from the toxic fumes I had unleashed into my room of an apartment she reluctantly in the end left.

I sat reflecting over every detail of the tiring day and congratulated myself on keeping my cool through it all and keeping a low tone in her vulgar screams and shouts, and never once insulted her cheek.

Then I realisesd that the age old saying of 'God works in mysterious ways' may have been perfectly demonstrated in the days events. You see, I remembered feeling bad as they choked and spluttered as there lungs struggled to grasp enough air to shout insults at me as I was fumigating the place but I what I didn't realise was how me and Hamsa were fine. It turns out that the only two air ventelation points were being consumed by us both.

It may be wrong for me to feel satisfaction about this oint but It's more to do with the fact that I struggled to keep the right behaviour of a muslim and yet had I let myself go that was the kind of punishment I would have hoped for!