Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Decisions...Decisions....

Before I became Muslim I still seemed to have a sense of spirituality, of some sort, although sacrilegious it didn't seem to be.

I was very happy to float along in life believing that 'what will be will be' and that my 'fate is what it is', which generally meant I had little to worry about.
This, added with my lack of sympathy for others and having a conscience that was little to non meant that life was quite easy for me.

Now!.....now I have to think about everything.
I have to think before I speak -still working on that one-
I have to think, if what I say could or would hurt anyone in any way. Put myself in others shoes, so to speak.
I have to think about my actions -another one in working progress-
If what I do will benefit just myself or if there is a better way of doing it so that it can benefit others.

When I come to a cross roads in my life......it is no longer sufficient to accept 'if it's meant to be it will be'
I am slowly moving away from my procrastinating days into an 'affirmative action woman'
and when these dilemma's do come about I can clearly visualise it like a cross roads, do I take the road to the right or the one to the left?
and it's never anything more than an educated guess so I gamble.....
yes I gamble a gambling MUSLIM!!! DEH DEH DEHHHHHHH!!!

Like how do I know if doing the sensible thing is the right thing? or if doing the sensible thing means missing out on a better life......I don't!

....and it's driving me crazy because I know that if you want something you have to just go out there and get it. But when you want two things that clash with each other what choice do you make? and when it's all just a matter of time, you question yourself as to weather time is something you can control?

So there you are with this big decision that you have been shoving to the back of your mind into your very own little Pandora's box.
You get into bed at night and fantasise about the 'what could have been's' and the 'what might Be's', dreaming up all these little realities, imagining yourself living these choices.
It's only then that you realise that you have already made your decision!
and that you should stop worrying and just do it!
and the next day
your all a buzz....
and there's so much to sort out
and so little time (it's always about the time)

but....WHAT IF!!!!

uh oh here it comes the doubts?

....it always reminds me of the scene in 'Pulp Fiction' with Bruce Willis (and Al Green in the background singing 'Lets stay together') and Ving Rhames says to 'Butch'
"that's Pride fuc*ing with you"....

....he may as well be saying it to me because my doubts are only so that I don't make a fool out of myself. Only because I don't want to seem clingy or stalker-ish or luney or brash or Rude or selfish or argggggghhhhhhhhhh.

So there it is.

I need to live for the moment and not give a shizzle what other people think.
Even if it concerns them?
no that's not right!
because then I wouldn't be acting like much of a Muslim...

...AHoooo again with the cross roads.



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