Friday, March 14, 2008

When I was young

"Today class, I want you all to think about what you want to be when you're older!"
"I want to be a princess!"
"I want to be a fireman"
"Leon, what do you want to be when you're older?"
"I want to be a bus driver, and I have already memorised the route for the 22 and the 295!"
"And what about you Jessi what would you like to be when you're older?"
"ermmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." palm's sweating, all eyes on me, I take in a deep breath hold it....hold it...and with a long sigh out...
..."I don't know?"

I never did not at 6 years old and not at 20 and I still don't now.
I always admired the kids in my class like Leon Smith, granted, a bus driver isn't an ambition by today's standards, but jobs like that were the makers of the real hero's of 'yester-year'. When things as little as driving a bus seamed full of wonder, instead of the realisations of today such as sweaty armpits, and multiple failing traffic lights. Maybe it was the idea of travel that led us to believe of it being an exciting job because you only usually went as far as your mum would take you which was either a trip to Sainsburys or the school run.
And yet today, not even flying a jumbo jet would lead me to thinking of a career.

"you have always lacked direction" my mum would say, maybe this is true the only time in my life I have felt sure of anything was when I discovered Islam (Al'hamdulilah) and even that took some personal battles to overcome.
So, here I am approaching 23 the age that I used to think I would be driving hover cars or we would discover Aliens and all I've discovered is global warming, war and famine.
Well, there is always Egypt now but that has only been a goal of mine for the last 6 months and I never believe something until the money has paid for it (ode to the consumer in me). I'm scared, scared of never having a clue, scared of never doing anything about my whimsical ideas such as 'Charity event organising' or 'Foreign news corresponding'. What after Egypt I have no idea! I guess I'm just waiting for some kind of added spiritual enlightenment or some sort of self-realisation miracle.
I am not big headed I have just always felt like I was destined for something great. Mohammed (saaws) was 63 when he received his prophecy but I'm not waiting to save the world just to save myself.Photobucket

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