churning that wheel

I try, I try hard. I try harder and harder each day to be there for you to make you happy.

Useless I feel useless. As useless as one of the ornaments on your shelf that was forgotten, that I cleaned as a silly attempt to show you I try.

You value your personal space and your sleep and when compromised you can be quite aggressive and if i haven't seen that than its because I'm quite special, you say.

I feel.....I feel like an ornament because even in my glory as front row on your shelf my grace and presence doesn't do anything to make you happy. And even when I try, I can't do anything to make you smile.

Every night I pray that I can make you happy. I pray for patience, I pray for strength, I pray for your happiness, ya Rab.

You have told me so many beautiful, comforting words before, i try to believe them now, now that before was then and I haven't seen you smile since before.

Your life is hard now, it's real hard and I want to be the one to soften it, but how?

I pray for the knowledge to make you happy.

So I wait in limbo. I paint smiles on my face, my brush gets bigger and more generous every day.

I love you but I have always known that love isn't enough.

Today, you said sorry I asked you what I had done wrong and you said that you didn't know what was wrong with you these days. I couldn't look at you because I didn't want you to see the mark the tears had left on my face because I knew that this would hurt you. That the knowledge of hurting me would hurt you and I cling to this as my evidence that you still love me.

Yesterday you didn't reply when I said I love you.

I pray for patience, I pray for strength and I pray for the knowledge of how to make you happy.

I love you.

I try and I will try till the day I die.