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This year draw a smile is happy to say that we will be at the global peace and unity event! grab a ticket enjoy the day and help a child smile!
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Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
My first day at school
When I woke up this morning, stretched out my arm to see 7.45 on my clock and realised I had once again made the same mistake as I had done many times before (forgotten to chose am on the alarm), I thought to myself! of course, this is typical 'Jessi' behaviour! to be 45 minutes late on her first day at university.
I should add that my decision to give university another go has been the bone of contention for not only my parents but also my subconscious. For the past week approaching the start of 'freshers week' at all universities around the country, I have been inundated with the same question; 'so are you excited!?'
The truth is I wasn't excited. I was anxious, nervous, apprehensive, pessimistic, one might even say terrified. But I wasn't excited.
So, there I was, finally. Equipped with neck brace, lecture hall and an attention span of a goldfish, I wondered what the hell I was doing there.
Then I met my tutors and I felt excited.
An Italian that spoke Farsi and taught Quranic Arabic. Her specialty woman in Islam, her passion - UNmeasurable and her accent- fantastico.
A post 60's hippy that spent 10 years in India studying Hinduism and mythology, a specialist in Sanskrit with a love for late morning starts.
A 'talks too much' American that specialises in Judaism asking me if I think he should start his teaching from a theological point of view with texts and history or if he should try things differently looking at Jewish influence in modern film culture and politics.
What I realised, is that I could be any 3 of these people, they were normal, they were sympathetic, open minded, full of faults and intelligent.
I can do this.
I can get a degree.
I should add that my decision to give university another go has been the bone of contention for not only my parents but also my subconscious. For the past week approaching the start of 'freshers week' at all universities around the country, I have been inundated with the same question; 'so are you excited!?'
The truth is I wasn't excited. I was anxious, nervous, apprehensive, pessimistic, one might even say terrified. But I wasn't excited.
So, there I was, finally. Equipped with neck brace, lecture hall and an attention span of a goldfish, I wondered what the hell I was doing there.
Then I met my tutors and I felt excited.
An Italian that spoke Farsi and taught Quranic Arabic. Her specialty woman in Islam, her passion - UNmeasurable and her accent- fantastico.
A post 60's hippy that spent 10 years in India studying Hinduism and mythology, a specialist in Sanskrit with a love for late morning starts.
A 'talks too much' American that specialises in Judaism asking me if I think he should start his teaching from a theological point of view with texts and history or if he should try things differently looking at Jewish influence in modern film culture and politics.
What I realised, is that I could be any 3 of these people, they were normal, they were sympathetic, open minded, full of faults and intelligent.
I can do this.
I can get a degree.
Ayman El Bakry
When you tell me that Greasy hair means healthy hair when I complain that I haven't had the time to wash it- I love you.
When you take me all the way across London carrying my case, my over-sized bag and my shopping every step of the way- I love you.
When you rush out in the middle of the night to multiple pharmacies, taking taxi's trying to find a way to get an inhaler without a prescription- I love you.
When you take me shopping for new stationary to help calm the nerves of the coming first day at university- I love you.
When you suggest making new traditions to our relationship that demonstrate another breath-taking humbling way to spoil me- I love you.
When you hold open doors, pull out chairs and stand aside for me to go ahead of you- I love you.
When you call me beautiful- I love you.
When you put up with my mood swings and grumpy episodes- I love you.
When you are the only one to not only encourage me but to see a potential from within me that I have been fighting with myself to recognise- I love you.
When you haven't slept for 48 hours trying to make everything perfect for an academic deadline and you squeeze 4 extra hours from your exhausted beautiful self just to be in my company- I love you.
I love you, not only for so many reasons, but in soooooooo many ways that I can't even begin to describe.
I try to be poetic but whilst letting my mind drift to the over-whelming place that bursts at its seems to try to explain it, I, I ......i..., well, I 'something like that'.
I love you <3
When you take me all the way across London carrying my case, my over-sized bag and my shopping every step of the way- I love you.
When you rush out in the middle of the night to multiple pharmacies, taking taxi's trying to find a way to get an inhaler without a prescription- I love you.
When you take me shopping for new stationary to help calm the nerves of the coming first day at university- I love you.
When you suggest making new traditions to our relationship that demonstrate another breath-taking humbling way to spoil me- I love you.
When you hold open doors, pull out chairs and stand aside for me to go ahead of you- I love you.
When you call me beautiful- I love you.
When you put up with my mood swings and grumpy episodes- I love you.
When you are the only one to not only encourage me but to see a potential from within me that I have been fighting with myself to recognise- I love you.
When you haven't slept for 48 hours trying to make everything perfect for an academic deadline and you squeeze 4 extra hours from your exhausted beautiful self just to be in my company- I love you.
I love you, not only for so many reasons, but in soooooooo many ways that I can't even begin to describe.
I try to be poetic but whilst letting my mind drift to the over-whelming place that bursts at its seems to try to explain it, I, I ......i..., well, I 'something like that'.
I love you <3
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
churning that wheel
I try, I try hard. I try harder and harder each day to be there for you to make you happy.
Useless I feel useless. As useless as one of the ornaments on your shelf that was forgotten, that I cleaned as a silly attempt to show you I try.
You value your personal space and your sleep and when compromised you can be quite aggressive and if i haven't seen that than its because I'm quite special, you say.
I feel.....I feel like an ornament because even in my glory as front row on your shelf my grace and presence doesn't do anything to make you happy. And even when I try, I can't do anything to make you smile.
Every night I pray that I can make you happy. I pray for patience, I pray for strength, I pray for your happiness, ya Rab.
You have told me so many beautiful, comforting words before, i try to believe them now, now that before was then and I haven't seen you smile since before.
Your life is hard now, it's real hard and I want to be the one to soften it, but how?
I pray for the knowledge to make you happy.
So I wait in limbo. I paint smiles on my face, my brush gets bigger and more generous every day.
I love you but I have always known that love isn't enough.
Today, you said sorry I asked you what I had done wrong and you said that you didn't know what was wrong with you these days. I couldn't look at you because I didn't want you to see the mark the tears had left on my face because I knew that this would hurt you. That the knowledge of hurting me would hurt you and I cling to this as my evidence that you still love me.
Yesterday you didn't reply when I said I love you.
I pray for patience, I pray for strength and I pray for the knowledge of how to make you happy.
I love you.
I try and I will try till the day I die.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Panyan
I marvel in your greatness every day and after all the years of knowing you it still surprises me how amazing you really are.
You accept everyone I bring into your life and find the good within them that isn't always apparent.
Although your week may be lacking, you wake up day by day with a smile on your face and a radiating warmth in your presence that subtly blows me away every time im blessed with it.
You fight with finesse your personal struggles and do it so eloquently and with such patience.
I pray to god that I grow old into your character fitting it like a glove.
Your energy and resiliance undermines the words used to explain them.
What can I say mum, sub7anallah you are amazing!
You accept everyone I bring into your life and find the good within them that isn't always apparent.
Although your week may be lacking, you wake up day by day with a smile on your face and a radiating warmth in your presence that subtly blows me away every time im blessed with it.
You fight with finesse your personal struggles and do it so eloquently and with such patience.
I pray to god that I grow old into your character fitting it like a glove.
Your energy and resiliance undermines the words used to explain them.
What can I say mum, sub7anallah you are amazing!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
NEVER WAKE UP: THE MEANING AND SECRET OF INCEPTION
This entire article is a major spoiler for Inception. Please do not read it until you've experienced Christopher Nolan's film for yourself.
Every single moment of Inception is a dream. I think that in a couple of years this will become the accepted reading of the film, and differing interpretations will have to be skillfully argued to be even remotely considered. The film makes this clear, and it never holds back the truth from audiences. Some find this idea to be narratively repugnant, since they think that a movie where everything is a dream is a movie without stakes, a movie where the audience is wasting their time.
Except that this is exactly what Nolan is arguing against. The film is a metaphor for the way that Nolan as a director works, and what he's ultimately saying is that the catharsis found in a dream is as real as the catharsis found in a movie is as real as the catharsis found in life. Inception is about making movies, and cinema is the shared dream that truly interests the director.
I believe that Inception is a dream to the point where even the dream-sharing stuff is a dream. Dom Cobb isn't an extractor. He can't go into other people's dreams. He isn't on the run from the Cobol Corporation. At one point he tells himself this, through the voice of Mal, who is a projection of his own subconscious. She asks him how real he thinks his world is, where he's being chased across the globe by faceless corporate goons.
She asks him that in a scene that we all know is a dream, but Inception lets us in on this elsewhere. Michael Caine's character implores Cobb to return to reality, to wake up. During the chase in Mombasa, Cobb tries to escape down an alleyway, and the two buildings between which he's running begin closing in on him - a classic anxiety dream moment. When he finally pulls himself free he finds Ken Watanabe's character waiting for him, against all logic. Except dream logic.
Much is made in the film about totems, items unique to dreamers that can be used to tell when someone is actually awake or asleep. Cobb's totem is a top, which spins endlessly when he's asleep, and the fact that the top stops spinning at many points in the film is claimed by some to be evidence that Cobb is awake during those scenes. The problem here is that the top wasn't always Cobb's totem - he got it from his wife, who killed herself because she believed that they were still living in a dream. There's more than a slim chance that she's right - note that when Cobb remembers her suicide she is, bizarrely, sitting on a ledge opposite the room they rented. You could do the logical gymnastics required to claim that Mal simply rented another room across the alleyway, but the more realistic notion here is that it's a dream, with the gap between the two lovers being a metaphorical one made literal. When Mal jumps she leaves behind the top, and if she was right about the world being a dream, the fact that it spins or doesn't spin is meaningless. It's a dream construct anyway. There's no way to use the top as a proof of reality.
Watching the film with this eye you can see the dream logic unfolding. As is said in the movie, dreams seem real in the moment and it's only when you've woken up that things seem strange. The film's 'reality' sequences are filled with moments that, on retrospect, seem strange or unlikely or unexplained. Even the basics of the dream sharing technology is unbelievably vague, and I don't think that's just because Nolan wants to keep things streamlined. It's because Cobb's unconscious mind is filling it in as he goes along.
There's more, but I would have to watch the film again with a notebook to get all the evidence (all of it in plain sight). The end seems without a doubt to be a dream - from the dreamy way the film is shot and edited once Cobb wakes up on the plane all the way through to him coming home to find his two kids in the exact position and in the exact same clothes that he kept remembering them, it doesn't matter if the top falls, Cobb is dreaming.
That Cobb is dreaming and still finds his catharsis (that he can now look at the face of his kids) is the point. It's important to realize that Inception is a not very thinly-veiled autobiographical look at how Nolan works. In a recent red carpet interview, Leonardo DiCaprio - who was important in helping Nolan get the script to the final stages - compares the movie not to The Matrix or some other mindfuck movie but Fellini's 8 1/2. This is probably the second most telling thing DiCaprio said during the publicity tour for the film, with the first being that he based Cobb on Nolan. 8 1/2 is totally autobiographical for Fellini, and it's all about an Italian director trying to overcome his block and make a movie (a science fiction movie, even). It's a film about filmmaking, and so is Inception.
The heist team quite neatly maps to major players in a film production. Cobb is the director while Arthur, the guy who does the research and who sets up the places to sleep, is the producer. Ariadne, the dream architect, is the screenwriter - she creates the world that will be entered. Eames is the actor (this is so obvious that the character sits at an old fashioned mirrored vanity, the type which stage actors would use). Yusuf is the technical guy; remember, the Oscar come from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and it requires a good number of technically minded people to get a movie off the ground. Nolan himself more or less explains this in the latest issue of Film Comment, saying 'There are a lot of striking similarities [between what the team does and the putting on of a major Hollywood movie]. When for instance the team is out on the street they've created, surveying it, that's really identical with what we do on tech scouts before we shoot.'
That leaves two key figures. Saito is the money guy, the big corporate suit who fancies himself a part of the game. And Fischer, the mark, is the audience. Cobb, as a director, takes Fischer through an engaging, stimulating and exciting journey, one that leads him to an understanding about himself. Cobb is the big time movie director (or rather the best version of that - certainly not a Michael Bay) who brings the action, who brings the spectacle, but who also brings the meaning and the humanity and the emotion.
The movies-as-dreams aspect is part of why Inception keeps the dreams so grounded. In the film it's explained that playing with the dream too much alerts the dreamer to the falseness around him; this is just another version of the suspension of disbelief upon which all films hinge. As soon as the audience is pulled out of the movie by some element - an implausible scene, a ludicrous line, a poor performance - it's possible that the cinematic dream spell is broken completely, and they're lost.
As a great director, Cobb is also a great artist, which means that even when he's creating a dream about snowmobile chases, he's bringing something of himself into it. That's Mal. It's the auterist impulse, the need to bring your own interests, obsessions and issues into a movie. It's what the best directors do. It's very telling that Nolan sees this as kind of a problem; I suspect another filmmaker might have cast Mal as the special element that makes Cobb so successful.
Inception is such a big deal because it's what great movies strive to do. You walk out of a great film changed, with new ideas planted in your head, with your neural networks subtly rewired by what you've just seen. On a meta level Inception itself does this, with audiences leaving the theater buzzing about the way it made them feel and perceive. New ideas, new thoughts, new points of view are more lasting a souvenir of a great movie than a ticket stub.
Inception is such a big deal because it's what great movies strive to do. You walk out of a great film changed, with new ideas planted in your head, with your neural networks subtly rewired by what you've just seen. On a meta level Inception itself does this, with audiences leaving the theater buzzing about the way it made them feel and perceive. New ideas, new thoughts, new points of view are more lasting a souvenir of a great movie than a ticket stub.
It's possible to view Fischer, the mark, as not the audience but just as the character that is being put through the movie that is the dream. To be honest, I haven't quite solidified my thought on Fischer's place in the allegorical web, but what's important is that the breakthrough that Fischer has in the ski fortress is real. Despite the fact that his father is not there, despite the fact that the pinwheel was never by his father's bedside, the emotions that Fischer experiences are 100 percent genuine. It doesn't matter that the movie you're watching isn't a real story, that it's just highly paid people putting on a show - when a movie moves you, it truly moves you. The tears you cry during Up are totally real, even if absolutely nothing that you see on screen has ever existed in the physical world.
For Cobb there's a deeper meaning to it all. While Cobb doesn't have daddy issues (that we know of), he, like Fischer, is dealing with a loss. He's trying to come to grips with the death of his wife*; Fischer's journey reflects Cobb's while not being a complete point for point reflection. That's important for Nolan, who is making films that have personal components - that talk about things that obviously interest or concern him - but that aren't actually about him. Other filmmakers (Fellini) may make movies that are thinly veiled autobiography, but that's not what Nolan or Cobb are doing. The movies (or dreams) they're putting together reflect what they're going through but aren't easily mapped on to them. Talking to Film Comment, Nolan says he has never been to psychoanalysis. 'I think I use filmmaking for that purpose. I have a passionate relationship to what I do.'
In a lot of ways Inception is a bookend to last summer's Inglorious Basterds. In that film Quentin Tarantino celebrated the ways that cinema could change the world, while in Inception Nolan is examining the ways that cinema, the ultimate shared dream, can change an individual. The entire film is a dream, within the confines of the movie itself, but in a more meta sense it's Nolan's dream. He's dreaming Cobb, and finding his own moments of revelation and resolution, just as Cobb is dreaming Fischer and finding his own catharsis and change.
The whole film being a dream isn't a cop out or a waste of time, but an ultimate expression of the film's themes and meaning. It's all fake. But it's all very, very real. And that's something every single movie lover understands implicitly and completely.
* it's really worth noting that if you accept that the whole movie is a dream that Mal may not be dead. She could have just left Cobb. The mourning that he is experiencing deep inside his mind is no less real if she's alive or dead - he has still lost her.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Names
My name is Jessi.
Some call me 'Jess', stupidly, this annoys me. Some people call me 'Habibti' (darling), he calls me 'Hayati' obviously this delights me, and when my mother calls me 'petal' this softens me.
Imagine how it pleases Allah when we mention his name.
Depending on what surah's we recite during our prayers we mention Allah 5 times (periods) a day minimum. This is the 'fard' (obligitory) rememberence that is asked of us.
Some of us remember Allah mmore than this. Some of us remember Allah when we see something amazing and we say 'subhanallah' (glory be to god), when we here something good 'mashallah' (as god has willed).
Every time we do this we please Allah :)
What an achievement! to please god!
Say BISMILLAHIR RAHMANIR RAHIM!
When Allah banished the devil from heaven, the 1st thing the devil asked was; But,
The benefits of bismillah;
The prophet Mohammed (saaws) was standing by some children who were eating and all of a sudden a huge smile came upon his face. One of the children came to him and asked;
'ya rasoolilah, why is it that you are all of a sudden so happy?'
The prophet replied;
'When you began to eat a child amongst you forgot to say 'bismillah' so shaytan (satan) sat to eat from his food with him....
....but then the child remembered and said 'BISMILLAHI-AWWALUHU WA AKIRAHU' to which shaytan vomited.
Allahs infinate mercy from bismillah;
Prophet Mohammed saaws said;
When a man dies, his good deeds come to an end, except 3:
Sayedena Isa (raa) Jesus, walked past a grave and heared great torment from it. The next time he walked past the same grave there was silence. Jesus turned to Allah and asked; 'Oh Allah, how it was that his mercy was bought upon the inhabitant of this grave.
Allah replied;
'ya Isa (Oh Jesus) , when the man died, he left behind a child. When his mother took him to school and he, the child, said Bismillaahir rahmaanir raheem in the presence of the teacher, it is not like me to keep on punishing his father while he called me Rahmaan and Raheem. Hence, I forgave him.
Some call me 'Jess', stupidly, this annoys me. Some people call me 'Habibti' (darling), he calls me 'Hayati' obviously this delights me, and when my mother calls me 'petal' this softens me.
Imagine how it pleases Allah when we mention his name.
Depending on what surah's we recite during our prayers we mention Allah 5 times (periods) a day minimum. This is the 'fard' (obligitory) rememberence that is asked of us.
Some of us remember Allah mmore than this. Some of us remember Allah when we see something amazing and we say 'subhanallah' (glory be to god), when we here something good 'mashallah' (as god has willed).
Every time we do this we please Allah :)
What an achievement! to please god!
Say BISMILLAHIR RAHMANIR RAHIM!
When Allah banished the devil from heaven, the 1st thing the devil asked was; But,
- Where will I eat and drink?
- Where will I sleep?
The benefits of bismillah;
The prophet Mohammed (saaws) was standing by some children who were eating and all of a sudden a huge smile came upon his face. One of the children came to him and asked;
'ya rasoolilah, why is it that you are all of a sudden so happy?'
The prophet replied;
'When you began to eat a child amongst you forgot to say 'bismillah' so shaytan (satan) sat to eat from his food with him....
....but then the child remembered and said 'BISMILLAHI-AWWALUHU WA AKIRAHU' to which shaytan vomited.
Allahs infinate mercy from bismillah;
Prophet Mohammed saaws said;
When a man dies, his good deeds come to an end, except 3:
- ongoing charity,
- beneficial knowledge
- and righteous offspring who will pray for him (sahih muslim)
Sayedena Isa (raa) Jesus, walked past a grave and heared great torment from it. The next time he walked past the same grave there was silence. Jesus turned to Allah and asked; 'Oh Allah, how it was that his mercy was bought upon the inhabitant of this grave.
Allah replied;
'ya Isa (Oh Jesus) , when the man died, he left behind a child. When his mother took him to school and he, the child, said Bismillaahir rahmaanir raheem in the presence of the teacher, it is not like me to keep on punishing his father while he called me Rahmaan and Raheem. Hence, I forgave him.
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