Dedicated to you the new in my life

There's this thing that comes with being a muslim that I used to love, The Umma (community) and how idealy they stick together and try to help each other out, but theres a stigma that comes with that side of things that I have only seen since I've been in Egypt.

Obligation;

Its how one is obligated by their religious duty or their feelings towards their religion to be attached to you or to owe you something. I'm sick of people liking me because I am a muslim, because I have knowledge, or because of the transition that was converting. What about the rest of me what about the me that I lived with for 20 years before I made the change. Not all of it neede dto be substituted by a better attitude, I had/have traits of my personality that still are as were before. However no one ever see's them no matter how much I portray them because they are over shadowed by the knowledge that I am a muslim.

Maybe it is my own fault, the visual aspect of my hijab and my white face and European features, the fact that most opening conversations I have with people are revoked due to this appearance. The concept of the Niqab, to conceal ones humility and keep ones honor is something that is abrogated of the contrast it gives in a western society. People look at you more, question you more, fear you and therefore are attracted to you more. Well I feel like not wearing a hijab would be my altimate Niqab. The same way that you should love someone for who they are and not the way that they look (physical beauty) which the concept of the Niqab offers is something I now long for.

To not be judged as a muslim, a convert, but to be judged, loved or hated because I am Jessi who is a muslim not the muslim who happens to be Jessi.

Don't tell me that you don't want to mess things up for me and that I might deviate from my path because of you.

I am Jessi!!!!! and always will be.

Nostalgia

I love you Leila!

Content

I wish I could feel content for longer then 5 minutes.

So I havn't really kept anyone updated on here, for reasons only that I didn't have the resources.

Don't ask me how but I ended up in the slums of Egypt struggling without hot water,running water, a kitchen, privacy and yes, I had a toilet that was next to the cooker that didnt work in the store room. I lived with the poor tired and crazy closed minded community that ended up strangling me slowly.

but, by the grace of God I am now in a suburban compound with a 2 bedroom flat with a south facing balcony, a washing machine, a dish washer and a king size bed.

but I am still un settled? not unsettled just I always want more. I am not ungreatful there is never a day that I go without thanking Allah for the blessings that I have now and for having the pacience to stick out the hard times. I just want more.
I think I want company, for the 1st time in my life I actually really want company.
I want the next chapter in my life.

I have done the conversion.
I have found my stance within my religion and Im happy with it.
And, I think I know who I am but I know I could still be surprised.
So, when will the time come that I let myself go and be open to commitment?
Why do I always want sooo much in return but hold back on what I give.
And can we ever realy trust someone else wholely?
All I ever see around me are cheating husbands, beating husbands, and dis respectful husbands. And when one does come along that seems too good to be true will I trust them or be doubtful and screw it up to protect myself?
I ask for patience, I ask for Love WITH respect, I ask for the fear of Allah, I ask for devotion. Please make this easy on me, please don't hurt me, please don't let me hurt another and please forgive me.

what to do

I want to start writing poetry again, but first i want to learn how to make it.
I have learned to forgive myself, because, I realy need to forgive you.
I'm ready to have a baby but I'm not ready for marriage.
Oh the trials and tribulations

Both amazing songs, 1 my feel good factor the other my sound track!!!!!!

I have re-discovered the soothing values of music!